What I hope my oldest son learns about why I'll always called him "Boy"... Even if he decides to be a girl...
My oldest son has always had a bit of a 'f'lare'.
Some normal describing words he earns from adults in his life, have always been: Eccentric, Brilliant, Creative, Caring, Sweet, Dramatic, Hyperbolic, Manipulative, Indulgent, Masochistic (therapist), Unfocused, Hyperfocused, Bossy, Submissive, Talented... and many more describers.
He's a troubled but charasmatic 13 year old who loves to stretch boundaries and be that person who is unlike anyone else you've ever met. He loves things other kids will do anything to get out of; like reading long romance novels.
He jump's for joy if only you'll allow him to wear his pleated black skirt, yoga pants and womens motorcycle boots where ever you're taking him (we don't allow him to be "completely himself" at school, mostly because of bullying). He'll go a step further and squeal like an excited piglet if you tell him he's earned a shopping trip to somewhere like Victoria's secret; and not for the reasons you'd expect a boy to want to go into such a store, but because he's been researching their latest line of padded pushup bra's and wants to see if they'll give him the clevage nature has so cruelly left him without 😁
Though in all irony, while following the strong Aquarian energy in his cusp sign, he doesn't consider himself as going through any 'transitions'. He doesn't feel like he was meant to be born a girl, nor does he identify with any of the many new gender-labels. In fact, he decided last year, to create his own, rather than follow any expected norms from any culture. Rather, he's like a painting with so many unexpected and clashing items that when you stand back and look at it, you admit that nothing in it goes with anything else in it, except when it's all put together; something only this artist could think to have seen and had the courage to put together so that others could see it.
That's my 'boy'.
Which brings me to a thought that popped into my mind, after sending him some encouragement through a text. He expressed that he was feeling deeply emotional and focusing on the negatives. I encouraged him to focus on the good, and recognized that whenever I offer him such loving 'mom advice', I almost always end it with 'Boy', rather than calling him by his name.
'Boy' has always been the one nickname that has stuck between him and I, and his dad and him. I tried many other cutsie baby names when he was little, like Buba, Booger, Boo, BabyBoy, Sport, Critter, Chief, etc... None of them fit.
Thinking about that now, comes across as highly ironic in my mind, as it's the one name he's always been responsive too, even when he's in the deepest of one of his 'feminine expressions'.
To call my "Fan" (His label: Feminine Man) "Boy", just seems so backwards.
Though it also feels oddly right, which is what caused me to pause and think about whether or not I should call him that anymore, especially if I want to consider myself one of those cool and understanding moms who doesn't force their kids to fit into outdated gender or orientation norms.
So I stopped myself and thought about what first comes to mind when I call him "Boy".
You know what I recognized has always come up?
Peter Pan.
Yes, that's right. Peter Pan.
And more recently, the term makes me think of the boy "Henry", from the new series "Once Upon a Time", who in the second or third season, meets his grandfather who is an evil depiction of Peter Pan, and wants to steal Henry's heart and use it to gain immortality, because Henry is the owner of the "Heart of the Truest Believer"; an associatation I had formerly only given to the original depictions of Peter Pan before Michael Jackson mucked it up with his Ediple Complex turned "Peter Pan Syndrome".
And that thought made me think back to all the days when my oldest son would pull out all of his plushies and stuffed animals, and stuff them into his shirts and pants, to make "puppets".
Or when he was so deeply in love with Thomas and Friends, that we'd pretend we lived on Sodor Island and have conversations about all the fun we could get into with Thomas and all his friends.
All five years he wanted to be a Pirate for Halloween, but each year he would creatively cut out or sow on some new piece of the costume that made it exceptionally different from any of the years before.
When he got on Minecraft and turned a flat space into an amazing world of fantasy and fun that I wish I had the creative abilities to keep up with.
Or more recently, when I've learned how much of a hopeless romantic he is (and how much I wish I would've waited to let him read Twilight), and how much I wish he could keep that trait, along with all the other traits he's had since he could first walk, but is likely to lose over time, as the world refuses to accept him as he naturally is.
As his mom, I'm always torn between putting my foot down to get him to get with the "program", so that he can be successful in our strange culture, and just telling him the whole thing is a crock and that he should just follow his passions as they appear, never fearing what anyone else things; as the truth is that most of the "norms" in the world are outdated, biased, unnecessary, judgemental, subjective and just plain illogical.
It takes most of us 3 or 4 decades to finally become our authentic selves, which makes me wonder why that is. I have a fem-son here, who is everything he's supposed to be and everything the world says we're supposed to love in other people: authenticity. Being nothing more than Himself.
Yet everything about who he is, even though theirs nothing criminal about him, is treated as if it is criminal and unacceptable, only because he doesn't follow the crowds.
If there were some way that I could help him stay that way without holding him back from becoming a successful adult in his future, I would do it in a heartbeat, because for me, he is the owner of the Heart of the Truest Believer; a super rare gift in this world.
A gift that I hope he finds a way to keep, much like J.M Barry's original depiction of Peter Pan; the boy who found a way to never "grow up".
Who never stopped caring for others, yet didn't put himself last.
The "Boy" who's love was not to be rich or powerful or a huge social success.
The "Boy" who wanted nothing more than not to be forced to do this thing we call "Growing Up", where everything is boring, and just about everything leads to unnecessary pains that we put ourselves through trying to do what we think "adults" are supposed to do.
So for me, call him "Boy" is much less to do with the gender label or trying to keep him in some societally assigned category. Hell, I grew up as the girl who wished she was as strong, capable and fast as "the guys". I'll be the last to tell my kids they can't be what or who they earnestly feel like they really are, and I'll be the first to start using their chosen pronouns.
Though I think, at least for now, I'll always call my oldest son "Boy".
Not just to remind myself how magickal and special he is, and how important his 'gifts' are; but also to remind myself to tap into my own whenever possible.
Some normal describing words he earns from adults in his life, have always been: Eccentric, Brilliant, Creative, Caring, Sweet, Dramatic, Hyperbolic, Manipulative, Indulgent, Masochistic (therapist), Unfocused, Hyperfocused, Bossy, Submissive, Talented... and many more describers.
He's a troubled but charasmatic 13 year old who loves to stretch boundaries and be that person who is unlike anyone else you've ever met. He loves things other kids will do anything to get out of; like reading long romance novels.
He jump's for joy if only you'll allow him to wear his pleated black skirt, yoga pants and womens motorcycle boots where ever you're taking him (we don't allow him to be "completely himself" at school, mostly because of bullying). He'll go a step further and squeal like an excited piglet if you tell him he's earned a shopping trip to somewhere like Victoria's secret; and not for the reasons you'd expect a boy to want to go into such a store, but because he's been researching their latest line of padded pushup bra's and wants to see if they'll give him the clevage nature has so cruelly left him without 😁
Though in all irony, while following the strong Aquarian energy in his cusp sign, he doesn't consider himself as going through any 'transitions'. He doesn't feel like he was meant to be born a girl, nor does he identify with any of the many new gender-labels. In fact, he decided last year, to create his own, rather than follow any expected norms from any culture. Rather, he's like a painting with so many unexpected and clashing items that when you stand back and look at it, you admit that nothing in it goes with anything else in it, except when it's all put together; something only this artist could think to have seen and had the courage to put together so that others could see it.
That's my 'boy'.
Which brings me to a thought that popped into my mind, after sending him some encouragement through a text. He expressed that he was feeling deeply emotional and focusing on the negatives. I encouraged him to focus on the good, and recognized that whenever I offer him such loving 'mom advice', I almost always end it with 'Boy', rather than calling him by his name.
'Boy' has always been the one nickname that has stuck between him and I, and his dad and him. I tried many other cutsie baby names when he was little, like Buba, Booger, Boo, BabyBoy, Sport, Critter, Chief, etc... None of them fit.
Thinking about that now, comes across as highly ironic in my mind, as it's the one name he's always been responsive too, even when he's in the deepest of one of his 'feminine expressions'.
To call my "Fan" (His label: Feminine Man) "Boy", just seems so backwards.
Though it also feels oddly right, which is what caused me to pause and think about whether or not I should call him that anymore, especially if I want to consider myself one of those cool and understanding moms who doesn't force their kids to fit into outdated gender or orientation norms.
So I stopped myself and thought about what first comes to mind when I call him "Boy".
You know what I recognized has always come up?
Peter Pan.
Yes, that's right. Peter Pan.
 |
| Heart of the Truest Believer |
And more recently, the term makes me think of the boy "Henry", from the new series "Once Upon a Time", who in the second or third season, meets his grandfather who is an evil depiction of Peter Pan, and wants to steal Henry's heart and use it to gain immortality, because Henry is the owner of the "Heart of the Truest Believer"; an associatation I had formerly only given to the original depictions of Peter Pan before Michael Jackson mucked it up with his Ediple Complex turned "Peter Pan Syndrome".
And that thought made me think back to all the days when my oldest son would pull out all of his plushies and stuffed animals, and stuff them into his shirts and pants, to make "puppets".
Or when he was so deeply in love with Thomas and Friends, that we'd pretend we lived on Sodor Island and have conversations about all the fun we could get into with Thomas and all his friends.
All five years he wanted to be a Pirate for Halloween, but each year he would creatively cut out or sow on some new piece of the costume that made it exceptionally different from any of the years before.
When he got on Minecraft and turned a flat space into an amazing world of fantasy and fun that I wish I had the creative abilities to keep up with.
Or more recently, when I've learned how much of a hopeless romantic he is (and how much I wish I would've waited to let him read Twilight), and how much I wish he could keep that trait, along with all the other traits he's had since he could first walk, but is likely to lose over time, as the world refuses to accept him as he naturally is.
As his mom, I'm always torn between putting my foot down to get him to get with the "program", so that he can be successful in our strange culture, and just telling him the whole thing is a crock and that he should just follow his passions as they appear, never fearing what anyone else things; as the truth is that most of the "norms" in the world are outdated, biased, unnecessary, judgemental, subjective and just plain illogical.
It takes most of us 3 or 4 decades to finally become our authentic selves, which makes me wonder why that is. I have a fem-son here, who is everything he's supposed to be and everything the world says we're supposed to love in other people: authenticity. Being nothing more than Himself.
Yet everything about who he is, even though theirs nothing criminal about him, is treated as if it is criminal and unacceptable, only because he doesn't follow the crowds.
If there were some way that I could help him stay that way without holding him back from becoming a successful adult in his future, I would do it in a heartbeat, because for me, he is the owner of the Heart of the Truest Believer; a super rare gift in this world.
A gift that I hope he finds a way to keep, much like J.M Barry's original depiction of Peter Pan; the boy who found a way to never "grow up".Who never stopped caring for others, yet didn't put himself last.
The "Boy" who's love was not to be rich or powerful or a huge social success.
The "Boy" who wanted nothing more than not to be forced to do this thing we call "Growing Up", where everything is boring, and just about everything leads to unnecessary pains that we put ourselves through trying to do what we think "adults" are supposed to do.
So for me, call him "Boy" is much less to do with the gender label or trying to keep him in some societally assigned category. Hell, I grew up as the girl who wished she was as strong, capable and fast as "the guys". I'll be the last to tell my kids they can't be what or who they earnestly feel like they really are, and I'll be the first to start using their chosen pronouns.
Though I think, at least for now, I'll always call my oldest son "Boy".
Not just to remind myself how magickal and special he is, and how important his 'gifts' are; but also to remind myself to tap into my own whenever possible.
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